Twenty-Five Things I've Learned in Twenty-Five Years

My birthday is about three weeks away, and it's going to be my twenty-fifth - quite a number for someone who still hasn't gotten used to the idea of being eighteen. (The more important date comes two days later, when I celebrate the tenth anniversary of the auditions for my first play. Appropriately enough, it'll be spent onstage.)

Since I've been feeling introspective lately, I've decided to pull a Dave Barry and present Twenty-Five Things I've Learned in Twenty-Five Years. Some of these are silly, some aren't. Some pretend to be wise. Some are borrowed from others. Some are horribly clichéd. But all of them are, in my own limited experience, true.

1. Never use pears in a smoothie.
2. Nearly everybody, regardless of sex or religion, is horny - but few are willing to admit it.
3. Anybody who repeatedly goes out of their way to assure you that you are their "go-to guy" does not have your best interests in mind.
4. Cats only look dignified.
5. You can eat like a king on a pauper's purse. Just learn how to cook.
6. There are people - very few, but they're out there - people who do not like the Beatles. Remember that they are human too, and though misguided, can still be productive members of society.
7. When playing a part in a film or play, remember that it's not you doing these things - it's a character. Once you've got that through your head, you can do just about anything the script calls for.
8. Some people are just jerks.
9. If it's a sweet recipe, ginger will make it better. Invariably.
10. Same goes for garlic in everything else.
11. Spanking a child is a legitimate form of punishment. Beating a child is not. Yes, there is a difference.
12. There is nothing inherently virtuous about physical labor - but if you're in the right mood, it can be very satisfying.
13. Every scar tells a story.
14. If you can't be bothered to fasten your seatbelt, or can't tell the difference between reality and a game, or think you can do a trick you saw on Jackass, then you are an idiot and deserve whatever you get.
15. The world is more fun when you can laugh at yourself.
16. Listen to the lyrics - they're there for a reason.
17. You can't choose your beliefs, any more than you can choose the color of your hair. Anything you decide to believe is nothing more than a dye job - a façade masking your true colors. Any true changes will come naturally, and with time.
18. Nice guys may finish last, but they also tend to have a better time along the way.
19. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Yes, this one's five years older than dead. Doesn't mean it isn't true.
20. Just 'cause you're a grownup doesn't mean you're an adult, and just 'cause you're a kid doesn't mean you're a child. I've known eighty-year-olds who never grew up, and ten-year-olds who were more mature than I am. "Age" and "maturity" are not the same thing.
21. In every workplace and organization, there is at least one old-timer who's been there forever and has found a niche, usually outside the chain of command. This person will have their job long after your sorry ass has been fired.
22. If you can afford to, travel. There's more in the world than anyone can ever see, but you owe it to yourself to see at least a little of it. Just remember: there's more to life than just seeing the sights.
23. If you can help somebody, do. If you can't, don't. Between selflessness and selfishness lies enlightened self-interest.
24. Let tomato sauce simmer for at least four hours, and don't forget the Chianti.
25. There are very few people lucky enough to do what they love for a living. For the rest of us, the old cliché stands: don't live to work; work to live.