Thursday, January 08, 2009

Manifesto of a Grumpy Barista

There is no "x" in "espresso."
Seriously, people, look at this word. E-S-P-R-E-S-S-O. Not an X to be found. According to my calculations, people who pronounce it "expresso" are directly responsible for global warming, the economic crisis, and the recent death of Ertha Kitt. Stop making Juan Valdez cry.

There is no "u" in "Colombian."
Yes, I am aware of the fact that I live in Columbia City, but you may notice that there is a distinct lack of coffee cultivation here. Columbia, Oregon and the District of Columbia are also deficient in this respect. There is, however, a South American nation known as "Colombia" that is quite active in this pursuit. (Incidentally, all four were named for Cristoforo Colombo, an Italian who sailed for the Spanish under the name "Cristobal Colón." Blame the name "Christopher Columbus" on anglocentrism - but that's another rant.)

We are not Starbucks.
We do not serve Frappuccinos. We make macchiatos properly. Oh, and our coffee is actually good.

We are not a gas station.
That means a cappuccino is not something that is excreted fully-formed from a machine full of hot water and powdered drink mix. It is rather made of equal parts espresso (which, you may notice, still has no X), steamed milk, and foamed milk.

The darker the roast, the lower the caffeine content.
Look it up: heat destroys caffeine. All of you self-professed caffeine junkies who go straight for the dark roast are actually depriving yourselves. (Espresso is only more caffeinated because it's concentrated.)

Coffee is not American.
It originated in Ethiopia, and was perfected in Turkey and Italy. Seattle's only contribution is the present air of insufferable snobbery that surrounds the American coffee industry. (Fortunately, the Grumpy Barista is immune to such attitudes. Why are you looking at me like that?)

The Italian name for watered-down espresso is "Americano."
Kinda puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?